Time for some free thought typing. Just typing what I am feeling. Talk of symptoms and abuse so may TRIGGER.
Tonight I have been feeling like I am a faker. If only I had motivation, I wouldn’t be on disability and could have a job…. If only I tried harder, I wouldn’t need a service dog…. If only I were a better trainer, my dog would be a full service dog…. Maybe I’m just a lazy slob who wants to tote their cute puppy around with them everywhere.
I feel unworthy of having the good things I have in my life. Like I am not worth the time, energy, and money that goes into maintaining me. Like I have all this wasted potential. As a kid I was always the best at everything, and now here I am on disability and freaking out over having to shower.
And even posting this makes me feel bad because I feel like it is attention seeking behavior.
Brad says this is mental illness talking. He says none of those things are true. He says other people feel the same way that I do, that we are undeserving and fakers. I know that rationally, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it tonight.
Brad says that there are a bunch of other issues that play into things, like my anxiety, and my lots of sleep (12 hrs a night at least needed), and the mood swings and psychoses I would have if I weren’t on meds and didn’t sleep so much. Oh wait, Brad’s reminding me, I was experiencing a psychosis just about a month ago, with Twilight………
One of the other things I’ve been struggling with is my memory. I’ve always easily forgotten the bad and hard times, and only remembered the good (or not remembered at all). Especially since my attempt that landed me in the hospital I’ve had a lot of trouble with my memory in general, besides just forgetting the bad stuff. Brad says it is clear that there is something wrong in my brain. I know Chanda says I have brain damage from my attempt. I don’t know what to think, is that just another excuse for me to be a fat, lazy slob?
One of the problems a bad memory causes is my self doubt fills in the blanks with assuming that I’ve done bad things and am a bad person. Even though I can’t remember anything in particular that was really egregious, and the things I do remember that I think make me a bad person, Brad and Chanda laugh at.
The guy that likely raped me (I have no memory of the event, only before and after, so I am assuming I was at the least sexually assaulted), I got him back for it by sending in those subscription postcards from Seventeen Magazine saying to bill him later. I probably signed him up for delivery for Seventeen magazine like 20 times.
I know I present well, and that lots of others have it worse than me. But getting all this off of my chest and on to paper (or e-paper) I am hoping will help and also remind me when I forget about feeling this way tomorrow.
I’m not asking for sympathy or attention or anything like that. I just wanted to share this part of my journey in hopes that others who feel this way will have some solace that they aren’t the only ones feeling this way.
And now the doggies are insisting I go to bed.
I understand to some degree, I consider myself to be fairly intelligent yet this emotional turmoil robs me of going places that look too “social” . My anxieties are running crazy right now. so it’s 4:48. and I am up but enough about me . I hope to meet you in person maybe in Solvang next year. meanwhile I invite you to read my poetry and get to know me via Facebook. it doesn’t alleviate your feelings but perhaps might offer a temporary distraction. Remember to love yourself !
https://whatspeaksinthenight.com
Thank you! Hope to see you in Solvang!
As I began reading I could only think ‘this is her illness’ and sure enough I came to the spot where you mentioned your hubby saying that. My heart goes out to you, I have experienced similar thoughts in my life and although I can’t know how it feels for your personally, I know how much pain it can cause me. I hope that each day you have one more pleasant moment than you had the day before.
Thank you!
Ah, impostor syndrome, well known for alllllll kina folks, not just those of us with MI, no less. If you need more ideas on doing dirt like the Seventeen thing? I’m your girl 😀 Believe us when we tell you how valuable you are and how much you matter. We never lie over here in the sandbox! <3
Thank you! I think I’d feel too badly to do the Seventeen thing or anything like it as an adult. It was a child’s way of getting even I think. LOL.
This resonates SO much with me.
I’m always feeling guilty, both for things I have done & things I have not. I even have this ashamed and guilty feeling about what others have done to ME.
I see myself as worth all sorts of condemnation & quietly make excuses for people who have done terrible things to me which led to my PTSD.
We are not fakers, but it seems we all feel this way at some point. So tonight I say to you, YOU are NOT faking. And maybe you’ll advocate for others like me when we feel this way.
Thank you! Yes, I am always feeling guilty, too. I will always advocate for others like us 🙂
You are not alone. I get the self doubt and unworthy thoughts all the time. You need to know that you are not a faker or lazy or unworthy. You have MI and yet you still do a lot more than you realize. I for one have really benefited from all you do. Starting with your youtube channel. You helped me before you even knew I existed and now that I know you, I get more and more from you everyday. Sending Love your way to help you feel better.
Thank you! It means a lot to me that you said this. I remember seeing your posts on youtube and liking you immediately. I’m glad to count you as a friend 🙂